I’ve been reading a lot of articles. Articles about the earth’s impending demise, articles about how to be a better ally, a better consumer, a better citizen, a well-informed voter, a vocal female. Some of these articles say I display introverted tendencies; others say I am an introverted extrovert; others say I am a Gryffindor. The results are inconclusive. My friend sent me an article, “Scientists say frequent orgasms may lead to clearer skin.” The results are inconclusive. I took some online quizzes. The first three deemed I should be eating French cuisine, professionally writing fortune cookies while soaring through space on the back of a kind but killer space unicorn. I’m coloring in a picture of happy deer jumping around a valley because I read an article about adult coloring books and how they sooth anxiety but these shapes are so small and I really only feel accomplished when I finish something and has it really only been two minutes since I started shading in this tranquility pond? I just want to know what it would mean to be a good person, but the old man sitting across from me in Starbucks is reading the fine print of the New York Times with a magnifying glass and I wonder if the oversized, bubble letters add an element of urgency to the article, “American Drug Overdose Epidemic.” If the giant, scary words hit his soft, aging brain with more fear, or if the magnifying glass helps him to see things differently than the rest of us. The results are inconclusive.