Chloe Rae

voyeurism

i looked for you
every where. i asked the
banana seller, the man who makes vibrators shaped like
tulips and small fruits i asked the
woman who dances in furs in the bar down the
street where you used to pretend you were French.
i asked my cab driver with the
goitre shaped like jupiter. i asked the waitress who
you fucked in our apartment. i asked god, once,
out of desperation, he said you hadn’t
spoken in a while.
the next part is i fell in love
with someone else, Note: without falling out of love with you.
I know you think it's a lie
but i’m good at staying in love when it seems
impossible. i had a dream that told me everything and
the next day the mailman came with shifty eyes and a stack
of postcards, said they’d gotten lost somewhere but i knew
you’d bribed him, that you were hiding down the street in the house
where the people used to make crack until they were arrested
and we watched the blue & red lights through the curtains
because i felt bad looking out the window
like these people’s lives were reality tv.
you were crouched now
in their living room; i wondered if it was dusty, if it smelled like
chemicals or fire. the first postcard said: The Weather Is Nice.
the second: I Found A Stray Cat And Named It After You, and the third one said Do You
Want Me To Come Back?
i didn’t answer, i figured you could
make up your own mind, i didn’t know if i was
waiting for you or not.
then you came i guess in the middle of the night and ripped up all the
dandelions from my yard, which you called weeds and which
i loved. i couldn’t tell if it was meant as a favour or a
threat. two days later i found your writing
very small on the back of a postcard the mailman
held out to me with his face averted. Fuck You Bitch, it said.

i put it on my fridge with a red firetruck magnet but when my luver came home he held my face in his hands and looked so sad and said we couldn’t leave it there so he went and planted it in the garden and i peeked through the curtains and i hoped you were watching from down the street so you’d know he’s taking care of me now